Reflections of a Broken Man

On Speculation by StephenMac
June 1, 2009, 2:57 pm
Filed under: Reflections | Tags: ,

**Currently “listening” to a lecture… I don’t understand where we are going with it… it seems so disjointed and while filled with gems, I can’t seem to find the filter that allows me to catch them**

Someone asked me yesterday if I was dating a certain someone at college. I hate that… I really really genuinely hate that. Because it’s akin to saying to someone, “Don’t think of a pink elephant” and all of a sudden, the thought is there. You may be able to force it out by distracting yourself, but as soon as you relax and let your guard down, there it is.

And then, every single action and thought that then occurs, I begin to speculate. Every word and action: “Does this come across to others as me dating her?” “Is there actually something here?”

I hate this with a passion. It was an innocent mistake, they were genuinely interested, but what do you do with that? The damage is done, and now I am continually double guessing myself.

My two best friends from high school married each other. I treasure their friendship more than anything else (within reason). And yet, while they were engaged, if I met up with the girl, and the guy was out, it would always be in a public place (rather than their place where she was staying) for the precise reason of avoiding speculation and maintaining her honour. It may be overkill, but I stand by the principle. And now, what I had always sought to avoid has happened, and I have no idea how I got there. Whatever happened to developing genuine relationships? Why must I now second guess and triple guess my actions, words and thoughts? Screw that…

…but speculation still exists. And I can’t avoid it, no matter how much I try.

When life is in discord, praise Ye the LORD…



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