Reflections of a Broken Man

“Look For Good Men to Work With” by StephenMac
November 20, 2009, 4:10 pm
Filed under: Reflections

In a counterpoint to my last post, I’ve been really hit by how amazing God has been to me, and it’s only taken a year to see it. Singleness has its many challenges, including loneliness, frustration and many other things. I may not have a wife, girlfriend, whatever, or even any prospects for such. However, I have realised that I have a really really awesome close-knit group of friends here at the college residences. It wasn’t until after exams, however, that I realised this.

Yesterday, I celebrated the post-exam period with a brunch at on of the lecturers places, with the other second year resos. Here… what an amazing, awesome, godly group of people. It had a tinge of the bittersweet – some were leaving – yet, it was at that point, I realised that I had the single-man’s equivalent of a wife: the community of “good men” (and I mean that in the non-gender-specific sense). One of my mentors had taught me: “Ministry is a wonderful privilege. Look for good men to work with”. I found that yesterday. It had been in front of me for two years, but as you know, I’m slow on the uptake. Life may be difficult, my inner struggles tormenting. But I have found great joy in the people that God has given me as family.

And it is this family that I realise needs to be solidified now, lest it be dispersed post-college. The fact that I have only a few friends from school days means that I need to take seriously those who are dear to me now. For it is this group who are not only peers, but colleagues, fellow workers in God’s field. It’s something that I never ever want to lose.

“Look for good men to work with”


On the S-Word by StephenMac
November 17, 2009, 7:12 pm
Filed under: Reflections

**currently listening to random playlist… Muse is currently on… contemplating getting their latest after falling in love Absolution and Black Holes and Revelations**

Sorry, but by the S-word, I mean that three letter word that will flag everyone’s Covenant Eyes when they open up this page.

I preached on the topic from Proverbs 5 this past Sunday (here). It went for 40min – the longest sermon I’ve ever preached. My minister said it was the best he’s heard from me, but my youth group fell asleep…

Even now, two days after preaching it, I still feel uneasy. In the month leading up to it, the topic did my head in. I felt my purity of thought severely challenged, and admit that I failed on numerous occasions. Its the age-old problem of being immersed in a topic, and thus you noticed it more often. Even now, I feel somewhat a level of hypocrisy, knowing that despite all the things I had talked about, all the advice and wisdom from those around me, its a very different story when trying to put it into practice.

The problem is that it’s not with physical sexual purity, but with thought life. It’s not even fantasy or lust, but with the mind games that twist the normal everyday experiences into things that they are not. Its the recurring thoughts about innocent conversations which your mind reinterprets as something more. Its the chats, the coffees, the relationships that are good and wholesome as they are, that your mind twists and warps.

“Wouldn’t she be a good wife?”
“She’s really good looking…”
“Do you think she’s single?”
“She likes you… why else would she be chatting for so long with you?”
“You know… it could work between you two… just ask her…”

It is all well and good to “make a covenant with my eyes” (c.f. Job 31:1), but can I do the same with my own thoughts? I may not see my sisters as potentials, but my mind tries to think they are. What do you do when your thoughts betray you? **

And even though I scream at myself, and I force those thoughts away, they continue to return. It’s insistent, a constant banging, thumping, pounding, like a nail being hammered into a really hard piece of wood.

I’m currently training to be a pastor to God’s people. Whether or not I find myself in full time ministry, due to this training, I’ll be in a position of teaching and pastoring and shepherding and ministering to God’s people. If I am convicted and stung by God’s word every time that I teach a topic as I have for this one… I know that I am vindicated in God’s sight. I know that Jesus has washed me clean. I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end, he will stand upon the earth, and in my flesh, I will see, I and not another! I know this, yet I weary of this struggle. And even if I should be blessed by a woman whom I do not deserve, even then, the problem will not go away. For the problem is not my singleness, it is my concupiscence.

I write, as always,

**Yes I know… sounds very much like Yoda… but he makes a poignant point…