Reflections of a Broken Man

On the S-Word by StephenMac
November 17, 2009, 7:12 pm
Filed under: Reflections

**currently listening to random playlist… Muse is currently on… contemplating getting their latest after falling in love Absolution and Black Holes and Revelations**

Sorry, but by the S-word, I mean that three letter word that will flag everyone’s Covenant Eyes when they open up this page.

I preached on the topic from Proverbs 5 this past Sunday (here). It went for 40min – the longest sermon I’ve ever preached. My minister said it was the best he’s heard from me, but my youth group fell asleep…

Even now, two days after preaching it, I still feel uneasy. In the month leading up to it, the topic did my head in. I felt my purity of thought severely challenged, and admit that I failed on numerous occasions. Its the age-old problem of being immersed in a topic, and thus you noticed it more often. Even now, I feel somewhat a level of hypocrisy, knowing that despite all the things I had talked about, all the advice and wisdom from those around me, its a very different story when trying to put it into practice.

The problem is that it’s not with physical sexual purity, but with thought life. It’s not even fantasy or lust, but with the mind games that twist the normal everyday experiences into things that they are not. Its the recurring thoughts about innocent conversations which your mind reinterprets as something more. Its the chats, the coffees, the relationships that are good and wholesome as they are, that your mind twists and warps.

“Wouldn’t she be a good wife?”
“She’s really good looking…”
“Do you think she’s single?”
“She likes you… why else would she be chatting for so long with you?”
“You know… it could work between you two… just ask her…”

It is all well and good to “make a covenant with my eyes” (c.f. Job 31:1), but can I do the same with my own thoughts? I may not see my sisters as potentials, but my mind tries to think they are. What do you do when your thoughts betray you? **

And even though I scream at myself, and I force those thoughts away, they continue to return. It’s insistent, a constant banging, thumping, pounding, like a nail being hammered into a really hard piece of wood.

I’m currently training to be a pastor to God’s people. Whether or not I find myself in full time ministry, due to this training, I’ll be in a position of teaching and pastoring and shepherding and ministering to God’s people. If I am convicted and stung by God’s word every time that I teach a topic as I have for this one… I know that I am vindicated in God’s sight. I know that Jesus has washed me clean. I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end, he will stand upon the earth, and in my flesh, I will see, I and not another! I know this, yet I weary of this struggle. And even if I should be blessed by a woman whom I do not deserve, even then, the problem will not go away. For the problem is not my singleness, it is my concupiscence.

I write, as always,

**Yes I know… sounds very much like Yoda… but he makes a poignant point…


2 Comments so far
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Can’t wait to hear it.

Comment by Patricious

it’s up… see the link above…
or here:
[audio src="" /]

Comment by StephenMac

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