Reflections of a Broken Man


In Regards to Myself by StephenMac
May 13, 2010, 12:19 pm
Filed under: Reflections

** Latest music purchase is Great White Whale – Secret and Whisper. Really good album, been on repeat for the last week and a bit… **

It’s been a while since I last posted… Mainly because of various things, like church and such. My side project has come to fruition, and with it, a number of stresses. I’ve been convicted of recently how much I run on adrenaline, and that it’s probably not the healthiest thing…

But that’s not what this post is about.

For the past week and a bit now, there have been numerous things bubbling up under the surface. I know that I’m hitting the redline when it starts to seep through into visible life. In M&M class, we’ve been going through the list of things that are dangerous for the spiritual life of a pastor, but for me, it has felt more like a checklist (Stress… Tick. Anxiety… Tick. Caffeine… Tick Tick. Alcohol… Half a tick. Low Self-Esteem… Tick Tick. Loneliness… Tick. Pride… Tick Tick Tick.)

The positive has been finally being able to self-diagnose: I suffer from an unhealthy case of preoccupation with self.

Everything, from my loneliness and childish chasing after girls, to my precious little outburst at some people yesterday, to my self-congratulation after publishing, all of this crap in my life comes down to the fact that I’m chronically self-obsessed… M&M had done little to help on this front, other than providing the diagnosis.

It wasn’t until a sermon yesterday that I finally found the cure: God is Great. Not just great as in very good (though that too), but God is kinda… well, big. Awesome. Amazingly so.

Psalm 139 reminds us that God is omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, and frightfully holy.

There is nothing that God does not know, not even my deepest and darkest thoughts. He is omniscient.

There is nowhere that I can go to hide from Him. He is omnipresent.

There is nothing He cannot do. He formed and knew me, even before my mother knew she was pregnant. He is omnipotent.

There is nothing he cannot stand more than sin. God is terrifyingly holy.

There is a comfort in knowing that God, this God, who is so terrifyingly massive and great, is concerned with me, knows me, and loves me. There is something that clears the narrow vision when I realise that introspection, for all its worth, only serves to draw my gave away from God and onto my navel. So much of the rants on this blog, so much of my agonising and self-hate, stems from my preoccupation with myself to the exclusion of the awesome picture of God.

God is big. I am small. Praise the name of the Lord.
EBHG

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