Reflections of a Broken Man

On Counting… by StephenMac
July 28, 2010, 1:14 am
Filed under: Reflections

**Currently listening to Innocent Bystanders United – Norma Jean… Off the album Meridional. Some really good songs, still unsure about the lyrics though. Musically awesome however**

This is the second attempt at writing this post. My first attempt was too esoteric, this is moving towards whining…

Quite simply, I can’t express the jumble of stuff thats going on in my head, all of it minuscule and childish, but still affecting my mood. More often than not, it feels like a complaint, but when it settles, and the tantrum fades, it’s just saddened disappointment. Frustration implies that a right has been taken away. Disappointment is truer: a hoped-for gift not given.

It’s been three weeks and five days… not that I’m counting or anything.

I hate myself for it, but I could barely make out the “hi” in response to her “hey! haven’t seen you in ages!” I couldn’t bring myself to chat, not without disappointment turning into frustration (which was unjustified and petty). I have no rights in this that have been denied, nothing taken away unfairly, no justifiable complaint, nothing that I could say I deserved… I moved to the other side of the room and failed in not looking in her direction…

Here’s the discord in our society: we believe that I am entitled to everything, and that what we lack is a violation of my rights. Here is the discord in my life: I know this, yet still stamp my foot, jump up and down, whinge and complain. How do I move from the known to the experience? How can I know how petty my attitude is, yet still feel trapped by it?

Its midnight. I just had coffee with a neighbour, and the vibe is markedly different. Maybe the problem is genuine, but my answer wrong. Sure, I don’t have a “her” in my life, but I have a “neighbour”, “brother”, “sister”, who will never be a “her”, but do a pretty damn good job of filling that place. I wish it was different, but maybe that’s the effect of living in a room that’s 5×5 and is shut off from the world around me.

We’ll see,


On Your Book by StephenMac
July 20, 2010, 5:02 pm
Filed under: Reflections

**Currently listening to a random playlist – Diary of Jane :: Breaking Benjamin – Quite a cool find… **

Psalm 139:16

All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

It’s been two weeks and three days since I had any contact with her, and while that’s not really much to go by, I think that reality is finally beginning to sink in that possibly, I don’t even make it onto her radar…

It’s been five days since my plans for post college were shattered (again), and I’m back to square one (again)…

I know I complain way too much, and that it comes from not being thankful about the things I have, and just quite simply being way too selfish, and yet, sometimes, I think, “If I had the chance to write the script of my life, this wouldn’t be it”. This is not the kind of story I like, or want to be in, this isn’t the place I want to be, this isn’t the person I want to be, this isn’t the way things should be… If I had the chance to write the story of my life, this wouldn’t be it.

And yet… there’s no real justification for it. Sure, things don’t go according to my plan… but that’s actually a good thing. I don’t like it, but it’s what’s best. The fact that God is writing the script is actually a comfort, even if at points it’s not at all pleasant. The simple fact is, should I write my own script, the ending will be very messy. More than that, it’s not that God’s script is the lesser of two evils, it’s actually a good script. It’s in my best interest that God writes the script – he delights in writing the story of my life, because I live in his protective grasp, and bring glory to him.

I was asked by one of my youth group on Sunday night, “But can’t we change the story, to turn the bad stuff into good stuff?” And while in some sense yes, we may want to, I think God’s plan which includes bad stuff is probably good. It doesn’t stop the hurt now, but it gives me hope that better stuff is planned. Even if I am floundering now, swirling in chaos, no direction, no sight of land, God knows, God’s in control, and that’s all I can hold onto.