Reflections of a Broken Man


On Counting… by StephenMac
July 28, 2010, 1:14 am
Filed under: Reflections

**Currently listening to Innocent Bystanders United – Norma Jean… Off the album Meridional. Some really good songs, still unsure about the lyrics though. Musically awesome however**

This is the second attempt at writing this post. My first attempt was too esoteric, this is moving towards whining…

Quite simply, I can’t express the jumble of stuff thats going on in my head, all of it minuscule and childish, but still affecting my mood. More often than not, it feels like a complaint, but when it settles, and the tantrum fades, it’s just saddened disappointment. Frustration implies that a right has been taken away. Disappointment is truer: a hoped-for gift not given.

It’s been three weeks and five days… not that I’m counting or anything.

I hate myself for it, but I could barely make out the “hi” in response to her “hey! haven’t seen you in ages!” I couldn’t bring myself to chat, not without disappointment turning into frustration (which was unjustified and petty). I have no rights in this that have been denied, nothing taken away unfairly, no justifiable complaint, nothing that I could say I deserved… I moved to the other side of the room and failed in not looking in her direction…

Here’s the discord in our society: we believe that I am entitled to everything, and that what we lack is a violation of my rights. Here is the discord in my life: I know this, yet still stamp my foot, jump up and down, whinge and complain. How do I move from the known to the experience? How can I know how petty my attitude is, yet still feel trapped by it?

Its midnight. I just had coffee with a neighbour, and the vibe is markedly different. Maybe the problem is genuine, but my answer wrong. Sure, I don’t have a “her” in my life, but I have a “neighbour”, “brother”, “sister”, who will never be a “her”, but do a pretty damn good job of filling that place. I wish it was different, but maybe that’s the effect of living in a room that’s 5×5 and is shut off from the world around me.

We’ll see,

EBHG

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